DEADWOOD, OREGON—The American Association of Reanimated Ghouls and Haunts (AARGH) announced today that they will be taking legal action against the makers of the methamphetamine known as “bath salts”, saying the staggering, glassy-eyed, face-eating side effects of the suddenly popular hallucinogen are, in fact, bad for business.
“Uh Muh Nuh Nuh UHHHH GAAAAAAH!” said a spokesman for the union, whose membership numbers in the hundreds of thousands in the U.S. Mr. Elroy P. Winterman, a former golf pro and current union president, made a brief but strongly worded statement at a press conference condemning the use of bath salts, saying it was literally taking the living, shrieking food from members’ mouths. “BAAAD! Noooooo! GAAAAAH!” said Mr. Winterman in a prepared statement.
Membership dues to the AARGH are rumored to be quite steep, generally said to be costing an arm and a leg, or whatever body parts are left over at the end of a typical stalking.